Monday, April 8, 2013

All I wanted was a coffee and a good book...

Today, I just don't feel like the supermom I want to be.

Once again, it started with waking up for school. I even let my she-hulk sleep in until 7:50am before I told her to get ready. She grumbled and I left to pee the dog and grab a cup of the coffee as it finished perking downstairs. I already had my shower and thought it was going to be an awesome and productive day, I had plans to go shopping for some books I've been longing for and some the little hulk was recommended to have by the speech people. I was also going to snag some awesome sale items from the grocery store in a bid to avoid grocery shopping next week. I had plans, I had ambition. I had no idea what was about to happen.

I went up to get she-hulk at 8:10 when it became apparent she wasn't going to get up anytime soon without help. She grumbled again, and I reminded her that last night I told her she wasn't staying home, no matter how tired she was. It started so quickly. I took her blankets, tossed her some clothes, then found kid approved ones, all the while she screamed at me that she was tired and I was an idiot. She stormed off to the bathroom and slammed the door. I gathered dirty laundry and went downstairs. She spent 5 minutes in the bathroom, leaving her with only 12 minutes left before she had to run out the door. I called her and told her she needed to get moving, again, I was an idiot and even a bitch. She stomped off to her room and slammed the door. I was running out of time and so was she. I don't drive so if she missed the bus, that was it, she was home. And that wasn't going to happen today, besides she'd calm down by the time she got to school, she always does. So I kept moving forward.

Now, I have learned from past experiences, just like today's to let her sleep, and often times do, but I just found out how much school she has missed this year, and it's not pretty. What's worse, is the teacher told her this number about a month ago. Many of these days are from Dr appointments, but only about half, given a rough estimate.

So with all this in mind, I pushed her to get ready, I even called my mom to see if she'd take her to work for the day. While on the phone and with one minute till she had to walk out the door, there she went, storming off to throw her shoes on and "lunch" in her bag. My mom had suggested a bath and that she could drive the she-hulk to school, so I decided to try that route. No dice. She exploded, she wanted to ride the bus with everyone else. I had tried to explain to her that she could still go, but she needed to go calm down in a bath or shower first. Still no dice. I don't even think she heard me at all, I think all she heard was "No" and "School". She lost her mind and kicked at the wall, threw herself back onto the floor and proceeded to throw a toddler in the shopping mall wanting that cookie type tantrum.

Thankfully the bus was only minutes away and she wasn't able to run off to the buss, or god knows where else. She did however yell at the dog and her brother in a way that rubbed me the wrong way so I escorted her to her room.

After putting her on the bed and telling her I wouldn't tolerate her abusive behavior directed at a helpless three year old, I left. Within 10 minutes she went back to throwing her room around, slamming doors, shrieking, calling me a "b**ch" and a "f**king idiot", kicking doors and what sounded like rocking her dresser so insanely back and forth (she had done it in the previous... 5 minute prior outburst) to a sad timid little apologetic mess of a girl. The kid of girl that makes me feel so heartless and uncaring, and cruel (oh, she called me that too because I wasn't going to let her go to school today, not that she could have handled it even if she had had the bath) bitch of a mother she so often tells me I am.

She sobbed on the couch, crying because she can't control how she feels, what she says or what she does, and she just cant take it anymore. She cries how she doesn't want to live anymore. She knows I don't like to hear it (because honestly who wants to hear a ten year old tell you this), but she can't help it. She's so stressed, everything stresses her out so much and she just can't cope. She wants to go back to the hospital.

So I ended up texting her dad on his work phone, telling him what's going on. He said to give her her pill and if she still wanted to when he got home, he would take her.

So, this is where we are, waiting for the social worker who's supposed to close our file today to do some wrapping up and fun activity stuff today, and waiting for daddy to come home. We've had a small talk about the importance of talking, and even another outburst. She said she can't focus on anything since taking the pill today and is currently upstairs, calling me, so we'll see what happens after dinner. Wish me luck.

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